GauNama - The Autobiography of Gauvendra Gandhi
*Selected excerpts from the Autobiography of Gauvendra Gandhi who ruled India between 2455 AD and 2475 AD. The work itself was found in 2503 AD, post his death in captivity******************************
23rd December 2455, Tuesday
It has been a month since I took over as the Emperor of India. It took a while for the masses to accept that a Bull has anointed himself as the Supreme ruler. This after multiple generations of Cows starting from my great aunt Gayathri The Gentle to my Mother Gayathri Four. It didn't matter much to us Cattlefolk - but then the humans of India , whom we rule for close to a century now, did create some cacophony. Their media had a field day in front of the Imperial Palace. A couple of my ministers had to appear on their television channels and explain why a Bull had finally ascended the Imperial throne of India. The answers to them were diplomatic - gender equality, bringing in diversity in thinking and actions and all the positioning you'd expect from seasoned politicians (we learnt that from humans too...). The reality though is different. And that is something India and the World is going to watch as my reign unfolds. This day, the Emperor of India is Gauvendra Gandhi.
28th January 2458, Friday
Today marks an auspicious day in my legacy as Gauvendra Gandhi, Emperor of India. I unveiled the world's tallest statue of the Kamadhenu - our mythological ancestor. Human scientists confirmed that this is visible from space. We Cattlefolk respect her. Not only because she was supposed to have these super powers that helped her bestow anything that was asked for - but also because she won over human respect thousands of years ago and helped cattle become an integral part of their religion. And religion - am thankful we don't give much thought to it - was at the root of the polarised Indian society. It is their religion that helped us wield a sophisticated power that slowly entrenched us in their society. And one fine day, we took over. It was a midnight coup - but a non-violent one. Much like how the humans of India won their independence. Alas, there was a Mahatma who shared his last name with me and had different visions for India.
Nevertheless, the statue of Kamadhenu would still wield its power over the humans of India. When the human devotee buys a coupon of one hundred cow dollars (equal to ten thousand rupees), he can collect milk that flows straight from the Kamadhenu's udder. I must confess here that a portion of this money we collect goes to the betterment of needy humans in different parts of the country. I'm a benevolent ruler that way. However, the humans who come to the Kamadhenu and worship her to wash away their sins don't deserve the respect.
I must admit that there was a lot of hue and cry when we first announced this project - that it would cost millions of cow dollars that could be gainfully employed elsewhere for the betterment of the cattle society and that of humans too. But then symbols unite. The demolition and subsequent rebuilding of a temple of a human deity supposedly united an entire country. I remember reading that in the notes made by my formidable aunt - Gayathri the Gentle. And Kamadhenu would be a symbol, an edifice, a monument of Imperial Power -the Power of Gauvendra Gandhi.
30 August 2467, Saturday
30 August 2467, Saturday
It has been three months since I decreed that all the cows in the country need to be milked at nationalised dairy farms only. Individual milkmen and farmers milking cattle would be declared an illegal act from 1st September.
There has been a lot of hue and cry over this decision in the entire country in the last three months - I admit. Human milkmen and farmers of the unorganised sector have been protesting incessantly. Well, I've considered their opinion - but the Imperial throne has its own way of decision making. Gauvendra Gandhi is here to leave a legacy.
Milk is now an imperial asset. It cannot be part of the unorganised sector. Every litre of milk needs to be accounted for. We cannot have a parallel economy of milk that milkmen and farmers are driving. And once all the milk is stored in our nationalised dairies, we'll supply them to human and cattle masses alike - depending on the dietary requirement and allowances.
Each individual - human or cattle - would have to declare their KYC to get their ration of milk. And that would help my think tank spread the web which we have been weaving so meticulously all these years of my reign.
The imperial informer network has indicated that thousands of cattle have been driven away from smaller villages and homes by farmers and milkmen - who find no use for them anymore. Our brethren are now finding refuge in the Metros. There is some urban disquiet as well - but they should realise that the imperial throne is adorned by Gauvendra Gandhi.
16th February 2469, Monday
I officially unveiled the "Cows and Cattle in Curriculum" program today. Hundred and twenty years on, its time cows and cattle seep into the minds and scientific temper of the Indian masses. We have always been there - emotionally and psychologically. They worship cows and cattle and revere Cattlefolk - the reason why the Imperial throne is with Gauvendra Gandhi today. However, there is always the problem of the younger generation wanting to rebel and question the rule. And such a rebellion needs to be suppressed even before it begins.
With the glorious history and mythology of cows and cattle now being introduced in primary school as a separate subject, we are now carefully controlling the public narrative. Human students in high school would now have to complete a formal internship in our nationalised dairies as cowherds. The premier institutes of the country have been instructed to start specialised courses on cow and cow products with specific focus on research on cow urine and cow dung. This effort has always been made by humans in India over centuries. With scientists and intellectuals from Cattlefolk community now contributing, it would definitely result in accelerated results. Or we can always ensure that there are results showcased to the public. Emperor Gauvendra Gandhi's vision will always triumph.
6th June 2475, Thursday
The Imperial throne passed its most significant Law in its 125 years of rule today. This was in fact, done to commemorate 125 years of rule by our great dynasty that started with the illustrious Gayathri the Gentle.
All cattle persecuted across the world - for meat, milk or labour can now make their way to India, which is now declared the world home for cattle. Such cattle would now get immediate citizenship in India- upon crossing the borders. Any Indian human raising his voice against this or not treating cattle - national or immigrant -with due respect, would now be stripped of citizenship and transported to detention centres being built across the country.
It's time we show humans their place. My great aunt might never have set out with this vision - but I'm going to accomplish what she would never have imagined. My ambassadors at the world bodies and conventions have been securing the diplomatic front. Our military might has now been bolstered - thanks to decades of clandestine research and training. The Indian human would soon be subjugated. My secret force is already detaining their key leaders including the Prime Minister, who has always reported to me. Their social media is being blacked out as I write on these pages. There would just be one television channel which showcases only my speech and messages. And my first message would be"Gauvendra Gandhi is the Universal ruler of India"
25th June 2500, Friday
It's been 25 years since my dethroning and capture. My reign as India's Universal Ruler lasted 20 days - before I was forced to resign in public and captured moments later. After a trial at the human court a couple of weeks later, I was handed life imprisonment and sent to a third rate prison.
India is now ruled by humans again - their Prime Minister is someone who calls himself the Aam Aadmi. I thought my trial would go on for years together and I could get away on bail. But it wasn't to be. The new Indian judiciary turned out to be swift and lethal.
Where my aunt Gayathri the Gentle found an opportunity to rule was with Indians' obsession with religion, petty politics and polarisation. We are and continue to be far inferior to humans in terms of ability, intellect and resourcefulness. The exalted status that they gave to cows was a way to preserve their religion - an opportunist act fraught with selfishness.
Cattle were considered Gods. The early humans were right in a way. Cattle helped them in their farms and our milk was a source of nutrition and an alternate source of income. We were gentle and willing to get domesticated. We were symbols of productivity, fertility and prosperity. It made perfect sense - but only till that point.
Generations later, people aiding corruption in the morning wanted to wash their sins in the evening by feeding cows. Drinking cow urine was supposed to purify the body. Touching a cow was supposed to bring good karma. My folk roamed the streets and gullies of India with gay abandon. We defecated on the streets and urinated on the footpaths. We stalled traffic for hours. And even after all that, we got plenty of respect and reverence.
Where things got dramatic was when we were made symbols of religion. And we never thought being symbols would mean we would be dragged to communal warfare. Lynching people in our name wasn't what we intended as destiny. There is a section of people that consumes beef - but may be some of us are born to fulfill that need for humans. And when the human realises he is harming a living creature he would stop anyway - if he wants to - irrespective of whether it's a cow or a goat or a pig for that matter.
And that is where my great aunt used her strategy and industriousness and innocuously orchestrated her midnight coup to win this great land for our dynasty. The human Prime Minister at that time was willing to accept Gayathri the Gentle as his emperor, for the sake of religion and staying in power. As long his party was in power, who was emperor didn't matter to him. And slowly, Gayathri usurped control and generations later, we were audacious enough to call ourselves Imperial rulers of India.
Looking back, when I ascended the throne 45 years earlier, my plan was to totally subjugate the humans of India. My think tank carefully structured and orchestrated the strategy for me. It would start with the Kamadhenu monument as a symbol. Bringing all milk production to nationalised dairies was a way to centralise authority and control. The data collected by KYC would give the Imperial throne the ammunition to identify and persecute dissent. Introducing cattle in curriculum would organically introduce my ideology to human children and help us spread the message across generations.
Where I probably went overboard was with the legislation on persecuted cattle of other countries and revoking citizenship of dissenting Indian humans. It was a step too far and too soon, in retrospect. We invoked their dying sense of self-respect and prodded directly at their ego of superiority. The clause of revoking citizenship kindled their sense of unity. And once the Indian humans chose to rise above petty politics and religion, they were far too superior for us to pose a challenge.
I remember every moment of the twenty days of my reign as "Universal Ruler of India". Each day was a challenge as the rest of my 20 years had never been. And each day proved why humans are considered a superior species. In a corner of my mind, I wonder if Gayathri the Gentle underestimated the human Spirit. But there is also of a part of me that says that she exploited the weaknesses that were eating away at that Spirit. Anybody would.
Introspecting lazily in this cowshed of a prison, with the titbits of information I receive from human guards, I believe India has changed for the better. Religion and Politics still exist. But I understand politicians have risen above polarisation. The statesmanship that my aunt has written about in her book is slowly finding form again. The common man - Aam aadmi - seems to be at the centre of everything and politics now revolves around the people.
The Holy Cow still finds respect. The Kamadhenu still stands tall and attracts tourists. However, humans now cannot receive milk from her udder - even at a cost. She reminds people of an era gone by - a symbol of how Indians lost their independence all over again to religion. But cows are no longer allowed to roam the streets and defecate in the open. Swach Bharath two aims to make India animal ODF free. People are allowed to practice their own food habits. Beef is not frowned upon. I think it's the human way of reminding us of our place in the society.
For us, life has come a full circle. Cattlefolk visiting me tell me life for them outside is not so bad - except for those times when some of them are hunted down by police for being complicit in crimes two decades ago. There are a few invitations to escape and rebel - just like the Aam Aadmi did all those years ago. When I close my eyes and strain my ears, those voices still ring in my head. May be, just may be, there is that one more day when I still proclaim "Gauvendra Gandhi is the Universal Ruler of India"Human stupidity knows no bounds!
************************************
*Gauvendra Gandhi died in captivity in 2503. His death ended an epoch. His followers from Cattlefolk weren't able to find a new leader of his stature. The Prime Minister of India declared India animal ODF free on that day in a subtle yet powerful act of symbolism. The statue of the Kamadhenu remains Gauvendra Gandhi's biggest contribution to Indian history. These excerpts have been made available in the public domain to remind Indians how religion and polarisation almost spelled doom for the human society. The image is from when Gauvendra Gandhi was on parole, a few months before his death*
- 09th March 2020
This is a satirical work of fiction. Inspired by events around us, attempting to mainly entertain and vaguely inform.
There has been a lot of hue and cry over this decision in the entire country in the last three months - I admit. Human milkmen and farmers of the unorganised sector have been protesting incessantly. Well, I've considered their opinion - but the Imperial throne has its own way of decision making. Gauvendra Gandhi is here to leave a legacy.
Milk is now an imperial asset. It cannot be part of the unorganised sector. Every litre of milk needs to be accounted for. We cannot have a parallel economy of milk that milkmen and farmers are driving. And once all the milk is stored in our nationalised dairies, we'll supply them to human and cattle masses alike - depending on the dietary requirement and allowances.
Each individual - human or cattle - would have to declare their KYC to get their ration of milk. And that would help my think tank spread the web which we have been weaving so meticulously all these years of my reign.
The imperial informer network has indicated that thousands of cattle have been driven away from smaller villages and homes by farmers and milkmen - who find no use for them anymore. Our brethren are now finding refuge in the Metros. There is some urban disquiet as well - but they should realise that the imperial throne is adorned by Gauvendra Gandhi.
16th February 2469, Monday
I officially unveiled the "Cows and Cattle in Curriculum" program today. Hundred and twenty years on, its time cows and cattle seep into the minds and scientific temper of the Indian masses. We have always been there - emotionally and psychologically. They worship cows and cattle and revere Cattlefolk - the reason why the Imperial throne is with Gauvendra Gandhi today. However, there is always the problem of the younger generation wanting to rebel and question the rule. And such a rebellion needs to be suppressed even before it begins.
With the glorious history and mythology of cows and cattle now being introduced in primary school as a separate subject, we are now carefully controlling the public narrative. Human students in high school would now have to complete a formal internship in our nationalised dairies as cowherds. The premier institutes of the country have been instructed to start specialised courses on cow and cow products with specific focus on research on cow urine and cow dung. This effort has always been made by humans in India over centuries. With scientists and intellectuals from Cattlefolk community now contributing, it would definitely result in accelerated results. Or we can always ensure that there are results showcased to the public. Emperor Gauvendra Gandhi's vision will always triumph.
6th June 2475, Thursday
The Imperial throne passed its most significant Law in its 125 years of rule today. This was in fact, done to commemorate 125 years of rule by our great dynasty that started with the illustrious Gayathri the Gentle.
All cattle persecuted across the world - for meat, milk or labour can now make their way to India, which is now declared the world home for cattle. Such cattle would now get immediate citizenship in India- upon crossing the borders. Any Indian human raising his voice against this or not treating cattle - national or immigrant -with due respect, would now be stripped of citizenship and transported to detention centres being built across the country.
It's time we show humans their place. My great aunt might never have set out with this vision - but I'm going to accomplish what she would never have imagined. My ambassadors at the world bodies and conventions have been securing the diplomatic front. Our military might has now been bolstered - thanks to decades of clandestine research and training. The Indian human would soon be subjugated. My secret force is already detaining their key leaders including the Prime Minister, who has always reported to me. Their social media is being blacked out as I write on these pages. There would just be one television channel which showcases only my speech and messages. And my first message would be"Gauvendra Gandhi is the Universal ruler of India"
25th June 2500, Friday
It's been 25 years since my dethroning and capture. My reign as India's Universal Ruler lasted 20 days - before I was forced to resign in public and captured moments later. After a trial at the human court a couple of weeks later, I was handed life imprisonment and sent to a third rate prison.
India is now ruled by humans again - their Prime Minister is someone who calls himself the Aam Aadmi. I thought my trial would go on for years together and I could get away on bail. But it wasn't to be. The new Indian judiciary turned out to be swift and lethal.
Where my aunt Gayathri the Gentle found an opportunity to rule was with Indians' obsession with religion, petty politics and polarisation. We are and continue to be far inferior to humans in terms of ability, intellect and resourcefulness. The exalted status that they gave to cows was a way to preserve their religion - an opportunist act fraught with selfishness.
Cattle were considered Gods. The early humans were right in a way. Cattle helped them in their farms and our milk was a source of nutrition and an alternate source of income. We were gentle and willing to get domesticated. We were symbols of productivity, fertility and prosperity. It made perfect sense - but only till that point.
Generations later, people aiding corruption in the morning wanted to wash their sins in the evening by feeding cows. Drinking cow urine was supposed to purify the body. Touching a cow was supposed to bring good karma. My folk roamed the streets and gullies of India with gay abandon. We defecated on the streets and urinated on the footpaths. We stalled traffic for hours. And even after all that, we got plenty of respect and reverence.
Where things got dramatic was when we were made symbols of religion. And we never thought being symbols would mean we would be dragged to communal warfare. Lynching people in our name wasn't what we intended as destiny. There is a section of people that consumes beef - but may be some of us are born to fulfill that need for humans. And when the human realises he is harming a living creature he would stop anyway - if he wants to - irrespective of whether it's a cow or a goat or a pig for that matter.
And that is where my great aunt used her strategy and industriousness and innocuously orchestrated her midnight coup to win this great land for our dynasty. The human Prime Minister at that time was willing to accept Gayathri the Gentle as his emperor, for the sake of religion and staying in power. As long his party was in power, who was emperor didn't matter to him. And slowly, Gayathri usurped control and generations later, we were audacious enough to call ourselves Imperial rulers of India.
Looking back, when I ascended the throne 45 years earlier, my plan was to totally subjugate the humans of India. My think tank carefully structured and orchestrated the strategy for me. It would start with the Kamadhenu monument as a symbol. Bringing all milk production to nationalised dairies was a way to centralise authority and control. The data collected by KYC would give the Imperial throne the ammunition to identify and persecute dissent. Introducing cattle in curriculum would organically introduce my ideology to human children and help us spread the message across generations.
Where I probably went overboard was with the legislation on persecuted cattle of other countries and revoking citizenship of dissenting Indian humans. It was a step too far and too soon, in retrospect. We invoked their dying sense of self-respect and prodded directly at their ego of superiority. The clause of revoking citizenship kindled their sense of unity. And once the Indian humans chose to rise above petty politics and religion, they were far too superior for us to pose a challenge.
I remember every moment of the twenty days of my reign as "Universal Ruler of India". Each day was a challenge as the rest of my 20 years had never been. And each day proved why humans are considered a superior species. In a corner of my mind, I wonder if Gayathri the Gentle underestimated the human Spirit. But there is also of a part of me that says that she exploited the weaknesses that were eating away at that Spirit. Anybody would.
Introspecting lazily in this cowshed of a prison, with the titbits of information I receive from human guards, I believe India has changed for the better. Religion and Politics still exist. But I understand politicians have risen above polarisation. The statesmanship that my aunt has written about in her book is slowly finding form again. The common man - Aam aadmi - seems to be at the centre of everything and politics now revolves around the people.
The Holy Cow still finds respect. The Kamadhenu still stands tall and attracts tourists. However, humans now cannot receive milk from her udder - even at a cost. She reminds people of an era gone by - a symbol of how Indians lost their independence all over again to religion. But cows are no longer allowed to roam the streets and defecate in the open. Swach Bharath two aims to make India animal ODF free. People are allowed to practice their own food habits. Beef is not frowned upon. I think it's the human way of reminding us of our place in the society.
For us, life has come a full circle. Cattlefolk visiting me tell me life for them outside is not so bad - except for those times when some of them are hunted down by police for being complicit in crimes two decades ago. There are a few invitations to escape and rebel - just like the Aam Aadmi did all those years ago. When I close my eyes and strain my ears, those voices still ring in my head. May be, just may be, there is that one more day when I still proclaim "Gauvendra Gandhi is the Universal Ruler of India"Human stupidity knows no bounds!
************************************
*Gauvendra Gandhi died in captivity in 2503. His death ended an epoch. His followers from Cattlefolk weren't able to find a new leader of his stature. The Prime Minister of India declared India animal ODF free on that day in a subtle yet powerful act of symbolism. The statue of the Kamadhenu remains Gauvendra Gandhi's biggest contribution to Indian history. These excerpts have been made available in the public domain to remind Indians how religion and polarisation almost spelled doom for the human society. The image is from when Gauvendra Gandhi was on parole, a few months before his death*
- 09th March 2020
This is a satirical work of fiction. Inspired by events around us, attempting to mainly entertain and vaguely inform.
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