Adventures in Arranged Matrimony: AM Anonymous

Adventures in Arranged Matrimony: AM Anonymous

 I looked at her mask clad face. Her eyes looked at mine. I wasn't sure if they were smiling. The few moments between her greeting me and sitting down to eventually remove the mask and give a glimpse of her full face, seemed like an eternity. Her social media profiles detailed that she was an avid "people reader". I fumbled, listened to blank silences and looked at the blank wall of the cafe. The conversation trundled on, coughed, spluttered and....as they say......the date was history.

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Appa paced briskly between his bedroom and the kitchen to complete his target 15000 steps for the day. We'd ushered in and ushered out the pandemic at our home. And what with his recovery and retirement,his life purpose as he proclaimed every day once in the morning, afternoon and in the night, was to see my brother employed and me married. 

 "We need to be more aggressive this time" he said, as he skimmed through his now voluminous database. "Look at the number of Nagashrees, Soumyas and Divyas you've rejected." he pointed, as though trying to establish a connection between the names and why the prospective alliances didn't work."But I've been rejected a fair number of times too...Appa" I said.  And each time I talked about my share of rejections, my hands automatically started patting the now regularly obvious paunch, thanks to the lockdown. "And why are we now looking at old data?" I asked, slightly irritated. He was about to answer the question as the doorbell rang and Mr. Manjunath entered.

Once upon a time a colleague of Appa, he had long retired. His son's marriage was done and dusted- the pride and relief evident on his face as he shared his experiences and (in his opinion) well meaning advice.

"Saar, your son is being very choosy..." I could hear him tell my father as they munched on the famous Subbamma store Kodbale in our living room. I'd long stopped sitting in the living room when these inevitable conversations happened. I listened to them from my room, trying to find that elusive nugget of wisdom that made these Uncles and Aunties with grandchildren  - more successful in their quest. Atleast more successful than my parents at the moment.

"Perfect marriages are a myth...be it arranged or love" he started off with the cliche. "Let me tell you what I did for my son. We made a list of 10 criteria for every prospective daughter-in-law. And awarded 10 points for each right tick. The moment the score crossed 50, we would add 10 grace marks. The moment the score crossed 60, we would add 10 more grace marks. So..by the time the score reached 60 - it was already an 80 percent. Good to proceed to discussions with the girls' parents. Our son married the third girl he met!"

I shuddered as I heard the rustle of pen on paper. My father was making note of the "Mr. Manjunath Method" as I christened it after Mr. Manjunath left that evening. Somehow it reminded me of the Duckworth Lewis method in cricket - and even there, results never went the right way. 

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The twelve of us in the room sat in a circle and held hands of those next to us on either side. We were all guys. We were all above 30. And we were all in this infinite loop of Arranged Matrimony that someone had forgotten to write an exit condition for. This was our fourth meeting in four months. We had chosen to call ourselves "AM Anonymous". The purpose of the group, as our President - an unmarried techie of thirty five -  had proclaimed in the first meeting was "To help each other in the quest of our soul mates through arranged matrimony". I eagerly helped expand the purpose and make it more lucid and bulleted. (Sorry, the detailed purpose statement is sacred and confidential. It now hangs proudly at our meeting location and reminds us of  our group ethos and camaraderie.)

"Does anyone have anything to share?" the President asked, his tone sombre. All of us knew through our WhatsApp group that he had been rejected for the 35th time on his 35th birthday. The magnanimity with which he allowed someone else to vent out first was overwhelming. 

The guy sitting next to me raised his hand and started. "I met an aspiring model through a community matrimony group last weekend. She was beautiful in the photographs and was well qualified. I looked forward for a week to meet her. We met and ordered coffee. Even before it was served, she said "So..this is not going to work. Your family would never accept my profession. Even my parents don't know the full story. I came here on their insistence. Let's not waste each others' time." The meat of the conversation had ended then and there. We meandered for some time around mundane stuff. She finished her coffee and left - insisting on paying the bill herself."

We sat there in silence for a minute, weighing the story in our minds before venturing a diplomatic opinion. 

"Thanks for sharing your story Member 10. We appreciate your courage. We are with you.  Now, any positives from the meeting?" The President asked. 

"Yeah! I got the entire plate of fries for myself!" quipped Member 10. We laughed heartily. And in the same vein he continued "Thanks to this wonderful bunch, I'm now able to see the light side of this ordeal. To AM Anonymous!" he shouted as we joined the cheering. 

"Wonderful, Member 10..we're always there for each other. Who next?" asked the President. Silence fell.

Member 3 put his hand up. " My parents introduced a profile to me a fortnight earlier ." he started. "I liked the picture instantly and was eager to meet. The horoscope too turned out a perfect match. We went to the girl's home and the family welcomed us graciously. The ice breaking was excellent and so was the Upma and Kesari Bath. Snacks ended and I was now eager to see the girl. You know, I'd pictured this moment of her walking from the room and parting the curtains to reveal her beautiful face. And how my heart would skip a beat at that instant.. The Kesari Bath and my expectations were making me giddy already. I nudged at my Mother and asked her to request the girl's parents to call the girl outside."

"And Lo! The father said "Oh...here she is!" Pointing at the girl sitting next to him the whole time. The girl had been sitting with us all this while. But she looked completely different from what we'd seen in the picture. I hurried to complete the one-on-one meeting with her. Our return journey was a stunned silence."

We sat in stunned silence too. This experience was definitely not new for any of us. But each time, it re-affirmed the gap between expectation and reality. "Pretty much summarizing life itself " like our President always said.

"It's ok Member 3. To be fair, all of us probably look different in our pictures than in reality. My advice though - would be to not get invested too much even before you meet" This was one reason I became part of AM Anonymous. The President was almost like a war veteran and seemed to have a solution to every scenario. I always thought he'd met more than 35 girls - for him to garner so much of experience.

"Could we have the final experience of the day?" he presently said. Member 1 volunteered.

"Dear Friends..." he began. He face seemed to be radiating a smile that was so uncharacteristic of the AM Anonymous meetings. We knew something was wrong(?!). "Thanks to all of you for your support these four months. This has been a journey of a lifetime. But it's finally time for me to bid goodbye to all of you. A girl accepted me last week and I feel I'm good too. We are proceeding to get engaged" He said, tears streaming down his eyes. There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment as happiness, surprise, pride, relief and some jealousy whipped a heady cocktail in our minds. But we were defined by our purpose! Again, our President led the applause and standing ovation.

"This is the best way for a member to exit AM Anonymous. It means we have supported him and he has supported us.  His quest has come to an end. And it has given us a fine opportunity to render our anthem meaningfully today."

"Hum honge Kamyaab....." he started off and the group joined him in unison. "....Poora he vishwas..hum honge kamyab..ek din..." Member 1 was the most boisterous that day. As we saw him render the anthem with passion and purpose for one last time, our hearts were engulfed in a rush of hope. I could see a spark in the eyes of Member 10 and Member 3 who had the courage to share their stories. The President seemed to have forgotten his 35th rejection. I was able to forget characters like Mr. Manjunath for a while.

After the anthem, we did the customary group hug and repeated the club purpose (Sorry again - can't reveal that!). It was one down, eleven to go!

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"Yes Mr. George...yes...his birth star is  ____ and his Raashi is ____" Appa was busy on the phone when I entered home after the AM Anonymous meeting. Mr. George was a new name. And for obvious reasons, what would a Mr. George do with birth stars?  He turned the speaker on so I could listen to the conversation.

"Your son's birth star indicates that he would like Maddur Vada....is that true?" Mr George was saying, with insight. Appa looked at me, confused. He knew that I didn't have a preference, yet he was too deferential to completely reject Mr. George's claim. "He...more or less likes Maddur Vada....but he prefers Sambhar Vada..." he said, not able to ignore my stare as well. "Well...any Vada is basically vada, Sir...I meant...your son has an affinity for Vada because of his birth star" the voice at the other end continued, pleased at Appa confirming his hunch.  I threw my hands up in exasperation. After a certain Guruji and a Mr. Bhat who had diagnosed my planetary ailments and prescribed their dose of medication, we were know consulting a Christian priest who somehow still relied on Hindu birth stars. 

I sat in my room, reflecting on the AM Anonymous meeting. The familiar rustle of pen on paper was again audible, as Appa made notes from his discussion with Mr. George. So many people had randomly entered my life in the last couple of years - Mr. Manjunath, Guruji, Mr. Bhat, Alliance Aunty,(who kept sending random profiles without caring to know more about me or my preferences), Agony Anna (he was the one who introduced me to AM Anonymous) and now Mr. George. For all their sakes, for mine and mostly importantly for my parents' sake, I wished the ordeal ended soon.

I unlocked my phone and saw a message from Ms.____, the most recent girl I was supposed to court. I had sent her a "Hello...this is Alok here.." last evening and was still waiting for a response. "Hello Alok...how are you?" she'd said. And she was apparently online at the moment. I hurried to type out a couple of pleasantries and immediately suggested: 

"How about meeting tomorrow?" 

"Oh...we could do it next week...busy tomorrow" came the reply. I obviously had no choice.

Amma walked in the next moment. Everytime she came to me with her phone, I knew she had a new profile relayed by Alliance Aunty. Again, I had no choice.  "Alok, this girl is good and the parents want the two of you to meet next weekend". She served an ultimatum. 

"But there's already a Ms.___ I'm expected to chat up with. Should I chat up with this girl too? What if the messages get mixed up??!!!" I wondered aloud. 

Ohh..come on. You're keep boasting you're a Sales Guy don't you? Manage two clients then...." Amma said and walked out.

Appa lingered on for a moment more. "Listen Alok...this profile came in while I was having the conversation with Mr. George. It's auspicious. Apparently your planets are looking solid for the next two weeks!"

I knew I would never get a drift of the solar system. The planets and their crooked, wicked and benevolent moods which cast such a shadow on mere mortals like me. But I had to appreciate that for someone who'd not met a girl for multiple months, courting two of them suddenly seemed to improve my chances. Mr. George's analysis on Maddur Vada seemed to be bearing fruit already. My Salesforce suddenly had pipeline. And if there was a review, I could safely assign a probability. My livelihood hinged on opportunities, likelihoods and probabilities. So did my life, I realised.  

Both these developments meant I had something to share with my brothers at AM Anonymous when we met the next month. I would probably call the President and ask him how to approach this "Double Header" - I was almost sure he'd have this experience too in his overflowing bouquet. 

 I kept both the profiles side by side and tried to memorise their names with faces and occupations, so I wouldn't get confused. I stored their names distinctly on my phone, so there was not even a remote chance they would get mixed up....

My thoughts were interrupted as Akshay ran in smirking:

"Brother...you're going viral" he exclaimed, amidst uncontrollable laughter. "Check Facebook!"

I logged into the app. And my face went white with fear.

"Need prospective brides for a smart BE, MBA, 31 years. Brahmins." The post read. With the post were two of my latest pictures. Social Uncle had launched a bride hunt on social media!!!

                                                                                                 - 4th April 2021

P.S: Please don't Google AM Anonymous. They don't have a website.

Events dramatised for fiction!